adayinsideme

hhhmmm

2008-09-29T16:22:00.000-07:00

i dont seem to be into this blogging thing anymore.
i think i got tired of listening to my self over and over again lol.
or i am just plain lazy lol
and now i see one of my fav's has disapeared :( i am so bummed-
but jamie whatever you decided to do i hope it is going well for you :)

in the dog house..

2008-09-07T16:29:00.000-07:00

why does seem like this whole week i have done nothing but fight with everyone?? and i didnt even intend to do it! ugh. i dotn have pms either- i am really worried that i might be a bitch for real and not even know it!! i would ahte that. i strive every day to me kind and nice to all or at least i think i do. it is so frustrating!
for instance, i jsut heard one of my resident's tell their family that i was a freak with a bad temper!! i ahve never in my life been called either of those!! and i even go to therapy to learn how to me more assertive!! i was so stunned and hurt i coudlnt ignore it - i approached her and thanked her for calling me a freak. her repsonse- " you needed to hear that, your not vey nice and i am not afraind to tell you" WHAT?? oh that didnt feel good atall. considering the nights int he last 2 weeks i have been up with this oldie massaging the cramp in her hip brining her heat packs etc. and now i am mean? ugh. yeah i lost it.; i told her i dont want to ever hear her say that again and i didnt appreciate it all! i know she is older and we arent suppose to lose our cool or let them know they get to us- but i couldn take it. now i do feel like a bitch lol. but arent i human too? how long does one have to go ontaking the insults day after day and keep smiling like we dont care? hhmmi wonder

kick me when i am down ...

2008-09-05T19:45:00.000-07:00

i really dont think i can take much more of this .....
nor do i want too.

Selfishness...

2008-08-26T06:49:00.001-07:00

Have you ever met someone who was just plain selfish? I mean really totally selfish? If you have something they need or want, they will jsut help themselves without asking you? If they get into trouble or hurt they think we owe them bc they are entitled! Entitled to what?? And why is it my problem if someone else has an issue? Maybe that sounds selfish of me but hell , dont i have issues? and what about my issues? If i am expected to become absorbed with someone else's problems then that means i dont get any help with my own! So am i jsut suppose to put my shit on the back burner? I love helping ppl . It is what i do. i enjoy it . But i do not enjoy it when they think i owe them more than just a helping a hand! That's bullshit! And my stuff is not their stuff! I didnt work this hard and long to buy things for other ppl to just access at their convenience! Who the f does that?????
Apparetnly not me - and maybe i need too-

one hell of week....

2008-08-22T10:06:00.001-07:00

yeah, it's been one of those

A Travesty....

2008-08-11T15:22:00.000-07:00

The men's volleyball team wearing shirts????? SERIOUSLY??
What's the point of watching if i cant see the six pack of a toatally hot and sweaty guy?
The woman are wearing less this olympics than the men.
So not right.

Virgin Voter

2008-08-06T07:06:00.001-07:00

LOL yesterday was the first time for me - voting for local gov that is . Never done that before. Being a new business owner inthe area and having had to deal with some assholes on the board i was all fired up to get them out and move on lol.
SO all that ambition and anxious waiting to see who with better vision we as a community would elect to run this shit hole- nothing more than a few more old farts to replace the existing ones. NICE. We had a nice selection of new faces, a few in which i was dealry in hopes of takikng over. But nooo. We instead are replacing the old shits with new ones that they endorsed. Somehow I am not convinced this is a change for the better- just carrying on with the same old bullshit from before.
ugh. i hate politics.

when the due date is a sunday...

2008-08-01T08:09:00.000-07:00

should you pay the bill on saturday or wait until monday?
and if you pay on Monday it is then considered late?
hhmm i am thinking it would be ....
common sense would tell me that right? lol

a confused state....

2008-07-31T15:47:00.000-07:00

all of sudden we are back to chatting some during the day and discussing the possibility of meeting in a few weeks..
all this has lead me into a state of total confusion. why the sudden interest? and why now?
maybe i shouldnt even question just hop on and enjoy the ride lol.
unfortunately i think too much. therefore i am totally confused by this sudden change of heart.
and no i am not complaining. just being a pessimist as always :)

how stupid can you possibly be?

2008-07-29T13:21:00.000-07:00

you ever notice how stupid some ppl are ?? what the hell? how can someone be so fucking stupid and make it out alive? lol. ok so i changed my celll number over a month ago- and miss stupidity just now notices?? AND she has to ask " so am i suppose to call you on your home phone? i mean how do i get ahold of you? all i have is your emial and your home number " MY HOME PHONE YOU IDIOT LOL. Obvisouly i dont want you calling my cell phone if i didnt offer up the new number and you never asked for it!! OMG someone help. Bc then she proceeds like this :
" but what if that phone doesnt work? then what? should i really call you onthat phone?"
i reply:
"yes it works fine and it has been that way for a month. i told you over a month ago that i changed my cell number and i am no longer using it for business calls." at least not for her calls lol.
I know i have my blonde moments- but seriously they are not that bad!!!

been a while...

2008-07-24T19:53:00.000-07:00

since i last posted . i didnt even realize it . not that it really matters lol. i noticed others havent posted in weeks also. summer. that is what it does to us. brings us more entertainment than blogging lol.
i guess i will get back to it . what ever it is lol.

Success...

2008-07-15T14:02:00.000-07:00

What is it and how do you get it ??? LOL
I have decided that i am seriously lacking in this department. ugh.

birthday blues...

2008-07-14T10:53:00.000-07:00

yah i have 'em. ugh. sigh. i dont know why but i do. i guess i was being childish but i really wanted to do some thing fun for my birthday. I wanted to go out to dinner maybe the movies just hang with friends - you know have some fun lol.
but none of that occured. i did get a really great cake from one of my gf's. i gave her some to take home- damn that was good cake lol
I never heard from him- i havent in a week. the emails i have received are not the usual and obviously of a moved-on sort of nature. i remebered his. oh well.
i have decided that next yr i am having a big party- all day outside. with drinks and music and a bon fire at night! and tons of cake and food :)
that will be fun! I just want lots of friends and some fam there and for everyone to have a really fun time!! i will set that as my goal for my next brithday . see what happens.

fall guy....

2008-07-01T12:08:00.001-07:00

Being some elses's fall guy or decoy really stinks!!!
Why should i go down for thier disgusting behavior?
It you want to do something illegal or immoral, do it
and leave everyone else alone!
Otherwise, be accountable and deal with it .

the storeis that some will tell...

2008-06-27T10:10:00.001-07:00

If there is one thing that drive me most mad-
One thing that I cannot tolerate
It has to be LYING!!
Especially by adults!! I mean for Gods sake grow up!!! Do we not have jobs? Possibly kids. partners, homes, etc to take care of?? How does anyone find the fucking time to create such pathetice stories of granduer????? I mean you must be totally bored or frigin out of your damn mind with insanity if you cannot find anything better to do than spread such hideous LIES about someone!!!
I tell you i hate it - Completely hate it with an intense passion!!
We do not conduct ourselves with honor dignity and respect just to have some low-life, piece of crap person attempt to ruin one's good name!!
SHAME ON YOU!!
You suck you STUPID WHITE BITCH!!!!!
pardon my fench:)

rollin' off the wagon..

2008-06-24T12:08:00.000-07:00

i have rolled off. yup completely off. it has been two weeks since i hit the gym and three since i quit doing the program. it wasnt working and i coudlnt afford it. i know i can do this my self but for some reason i have no desire. i have never been like this! i ahve always had hard determination and a strong will . i have never let myself go like this before. i dont know why but i seem to have lost all interest in myself . its like a struggle everyday to just muster up the idea in my mind to even do my hair:(
constant thoughts of leaving are always there. desiring a better income and my own place- a condo . really quiet. peaceful. no one to have to tiptoe around worrrying about what i have done wrong and how i should strive to fix it.
whats the point?
complete disappointment.

too customize....

2008-06-22T16:04:00.000-07:00

or not... hhmm too many choise for me lol
but having fun messing around with my fetal attempts to
decorate my blog - in an effort to make it more like me lol
is that even possible? lol
yeah, i need more time on my hands :)

lonely.....

2008-06-16T17:25:00.000-07:00

one is the lonliest number?
yeah that's how the song goes-
but it wouldnt matter if i was in a room of twenty ppl i would stilll feel lonely :(
ugh
and i really dont like the feeling -

WTF??

2008-06-14T14:01:00.000-07:00

OK so eplain to me how it is you Think you can know someone at least half know them for over a yr and then find out that they never cared a damn for you??????
Am i THAT stupid?? If someone emails , chats with me every day, see me for lunch or coffee once a month or so (bc we are so busy) but we talk almost daily doesnt that require some kind of liking of what i have to offer???
I am so stunned and disappointed i dont evenknow what to think. WHy would anyone waste all that time and say all those things to me if they never cared a shit about me? And why would one be that fucking mean???
I seriously feel like i have been played for the biggest fool ever!!! And at the same time i miss this person!! How insane is that?? Why does this happen to me?? If i dont like being around or even talking that much to someone i usually say the decent 'hello" and move on. I cant even fake it past that!
Worst of al is why do i feel like i did something wrong??? Why do i feel so shitty while this person is out and about all happy as a clam??
I guess i have eaten wat too many bowls of stupid for breakfast!!!
Doesnt seem fair.

feeling likea mouse..

2008-06-10T09:04:00.001-07:00

after all that, i feel like the tiniest little mouse on the planet!!:(
maybe the butt of his stupid jokes!
or a some pathetic boost to his ego- most likely lol
if i were in a better i would say your "welcome ass hole" but
right now i feel more like the dumbest person who ever fell for your crap!
i know i am not the only one but i really thought better of myself!
maybe it is kind of funny that i was searching am for moths bc i knew this was coming!
yes that little voice that i tried so hard to ignore . forewarned me the end was near-
game over

Once a player...

2008-06-10T05:57:00.001-07:00

Always a Player.
They will never change. Not thru marriage, kids, business, death or anything.
A player will always be a player.

ignoring that little voice in my head....

2008-06-09T13:02:00.001-07:00

Because i didnt like what i was hearing. So i refused to listen. Except, that ignoring that little voicei n your head is nearly impossible!
And as always it was right :(
All the things he said that i thought might have been a lie- they were
Everything.
I guess thats what i get for ingnoring my inner voice.
Still feels lousy either way-

lost...

2008-05-29T17:25:00.001-07:00

yup sitting here waiting for the season finale of lost lol.
i am lost lol.
have hit the treadmill and the weights everynight this week so i am taking the night off- hey dont count me out yet, i have followed my plan great for the week thus far- no hittingthe scale for me though. i hate that damn thing lol!
about as much as i hate family members that lie to me! i mean whats the point? go lie to someone else but family no way! i dont care if i ever see your stupid face again- or your wife's for that matter.
really, i think there are times when lying is ok and others when it is life-saving. anyhting else is just a waste of breath lol.
personally, i think plan old in your face honesty is the best lol. ok well, you know what i mean lol.
aaargh .... is it nine yet???

the chubby... is back

2008-05-20T07:18:00.000-07:00

ugh so my new program is not going as i would ahve hoped. and yes i have been following it and even been doing the same portion sizes on the weekends. I have allowed my self two cheat times during the week- but along with this i hav ebeen working out every other day.
This week i have added cardio into the mix and so now i am hitting the gym everyday- hoping to go for five days a week. already put in two days this week with over 2 miles to boot.
And STILL no change. I mean i feel like things are a little lost but not really that muc- and my caloric intake is barely 100o a day sometimes less!!! i dont know i dont think this is the deal for me and i defiantely hope that adding the cardio and uping my workouts to five times a week will help. It has in the past . eeks one can only hope! at least it is good for me if nothing else lol. and hey i will say my ass looks a bit better lol. it the only thing that has changed lol.
ok this blog it totally boring!
i must post something more tantelizng later :) i do have some enticing things to write about lol
ok back to my blah life -

thorns on a rose

2008-05-02T14:48:00.000-07:00

i know that sounds so cliche and well, stupid. but that saying about roses having thorns is so true. when i look at falling in love and how grand one feels when they are in that place of love and feeling totally high off it,. only then to face the pain later on of the reality of life. life after being in love. why does it have to be like that? i mean even marriage has this "thorn ' side to the beauty of having somone who wanted you intheir life so badly they swore to it in front of all your friends and family. only to advance ten yrs or so and find yourself struggling to even just give them a kiss let alone f them. the one person that ten yrs ago you couldnt get enough off. you would lose sleep bc you were too busy making out and screwing every night. that someone that you had to talk to everyday- now you cant get far enough away from them!!! my god why does this happen?? oh i hear "you have grown apart,it happens, " "time takes away from those lovey dovey feeling and you end up just friends, married friends". well i dont know too many bff's that want to kiss each other or delight in the after glo of a great night of sex with each other . i just dont understand how this happens or why but i hate it!! i feel like i have been poked by a million thorns and i stil cant get past it. where is that high feeling i once i had? what happend to wanting him around all the time and being so happy when we were to gether??? maybe i am just cursed. that's it. i am not able to obtain and hold onto that deep love bc i have been cursed.
well, maybe i just dont know how to hang onto love. ugh

merry-go-round

2008-04-28T10:15:00.000-07:00

i feel like life is like a merry go round, things just keep going around and around never stopping- i feeel so dizzy! i need a break lol. but such is life and we have to deal with it. that and the fact that what comes around goes around- no matter how deeply i wish i wouldnt have done something or felt a certian way it will come back to me twofold. slap me right in the ass . it never ceases to amaze me how this greatly affects our love lives..........

bittersweet

2008-04-24T12:06:00.000-07:00

it's been i think three weeks into this program. and i think i am still stuck at the six pounds i have already lost ugh. but i have started my workouts again so hoping that will break the plateu. seems odd to platue this early on hmm. jsut my luck though and to be honest i have had a few more weak moments . not doing so good with the weekends off plan either. thinking that will help to switch that and stay contiuously onthe program with maybe a treat once a week. ugh i am so pissed at myself for gaiing this wt back!!!! what an idiot.
but i will say this, i have realized why i eat the way i do. i am not happy in my life- not happy in my m. i had tried for over four yrs to get him to op en up to me, interested again in me!!! and with each rejection i ate. well here we are and he wants to try and fix things, but without going to counceling. lol. yeah hows is this going to work? i dont know . i am willling to try again but i tell you honesly i feel like it is over for me. and no i am not proud of that but when you try and try and get no one after a while you give up. then you have what we in the behavior world call and extinction burst- where the behavior pops back up agian in full force to try and get awareness- when it doesnt get rewarded it becomes extinct again. the love and the desire that i once felt for this man are extinct. bittersweet-

Death by wagon...

2008-04-14T13:50:00.000-07:00

It was a bumpy ride onthe wagon- i bounced right off and was crushed by it lol. ok tomorrow is a new day - try and peel myself off the road and get back on lol

Chubby , less Chubby??

2008-04-11T15:52:00.001-07:00

I have not done so good today. Well, no bad but i will say i fell off the wagon- slightly- i ate pizza hut. i cant help it. This day/week has been crap! I needed the support lol. But i did wiegh myself with all my clothes and at the end of the day and i was down 3lbs. So thinking that if it was in teh morning and i was butt naked- maybe 5 lbs?? LOL Well i can dream cant i?? Oh well that isstill really good i think. And i do like it so far it is easy andseems to be working so that is good.

But i tell you what isnt easy or working is my love life!!! What else is new right? I was seriously considering not talking to either of them anymore. it only makes me feel like shit when i do so why do i bother?? Bc i am weak. i know weak weak weak!! Such a lousy way to be. I always think of all those woman that are super hot, super rich, and they have any guy they want- or even dont want. I wil never be like that. But it sure would be nice for jsut one month to have the chance to know what that's like. Instead it just crumbs or the "i can take or leave her" . nice .

Day 4........

2008-04-10T15:52:00.001-07:00

I knew this was going to happen. I jsut knew that the forth day would be my hardest. Ugh it was. I held my own and tried to wrok through it. I ended up eating one samll turtle and a few bites of mac - n - cheese. But that was it. So i think maybe that was not that bad. I dont know maybe it was lol. But i made it without eating the whole damn pan of mac-n-cheese and not chowing on cheez-its or i have ran out of ideas lol. Oh yeah i finally had an entree i didntlike! The first one all week. It was not good- NOOO they can scratch taht one .
Now is there any relief for a migraine???

The Chubby Chronicles......

2008-04-09T17:03:00.000-07:00

Ok i have decided to start my chubby chronicles . Simply bc i figured if i am going to start making daily posts regarding my new health plan, and that sounds soo boring, i might as well give it a goofy name lol.
ok so just made it through day three- sort of lol. i snuck a few bites of potatoes at dinner. i know i know- but hey i have been so good thus far and my caloric intake for the day is still under 1,000. thats like almost half my normal intake. So i think im good. Food was decent today too. I liked it i didnt have to make anything or end up with a sink full of dirty dishes. all is good- except i dont think i am losing wt UGH! I feel less bloated sort of less stuffy , fat what ever you call it but trhat's it. scale remains the same pants are the same ugh. well i havent hit it with tready this week i know that would help. yeah it's been one of those weeks. i am super tired right now. and not too mention super depressed. i feel like my life is one of those strings hanging off the arm of the sweater- that just got caught on something and is unravelling at an unbelievable rate!! my god i will naked if i dont stop this castrophe LOL. it's like if i could ahve one thing go smoothly in my life it might ease the pain a little. but every thing from fianances, love, health, work, kids, even my renter refuses to leave the rental house!! why is that??? it's your time to go little man GET OUT !!! IT would only happen to me . unbelievable. and of course i am inlove with some one who doesnt love me. i think that is the worst. we started out this relationship on the same page and some how along the way you jumped novels on me . oh well. i know i deserve it . i am not able to give him what he wants cant be that trophy chic . so ok off to another day on the fat farm ugh. please god strike me dead!

Touch My Body..

2008-04-08T06:53:00.000-07:00

Ok not MY body per say- Mariah! The new cd is out today!!
Hitting the road to make the big purchase.
YES I STILL BUY CD'S -
Yes I USE I TUNES lol not that much of a loser!!!:)

Desperado......

2008-04-08T06:41:00.000-07:00

Normally i am not one to indulge others with the ongoings of my health or worse my wt lol.
But since i am feeling adventerous I thought i would go ahead. Out of sheer depseration i have started a new, lets call it , healthy eating plan. To keep some of my dignity lol, i will refrain from mentioning which one it is . Not too hard to figure out since there ads are on the tv like every two minutes! lol. Anyways, i fell into this really bad habbit of eating out way too much! Over the last year i have eaten more than i ever have in my life !!! lol I am totally addicted to fast food, take out, or sit - down anywhere and stuff my fat ass eating!! lol. So yesterday i started my plan hoping tototally reduce my portion sizes- given i worked my butt off to lose forty pounds four yr ago and let just say i am not too please with myself! ggrrr bad girl!! lol . Yay i made it through the first day! It realy wasnt bad. I did great, no cheating. and i wasnt that hungry - which is really something . I have decided that my goal is to make it hrough this week and if i do a good job i am so hitting DAIRY QUEEN!!!! YAY!!!! I want one of those chocolate bowls so bad!! LOL. Hey if i can behave for a whole week i see nothing wrong with a little reward. Besides i jsut added up my calories for yesterday and wow- a measly 680 . Hmm that is not even half what i would normally intake. I did good. Not i just need to get back to that intimate relationship i had with tready! God love him! He puts up with so much from me!!! And he keeps on going!! LOL. He even shares me with Hex- wts that is lol. Yup gotta hit the gym! Less is more YAY!!

regrets....

2008-04-05T19:32:00.000-07:00

regret is just the past stiffling your future........

where is my love??

2008-03-19T08:03:00.000-07:00

I have been hearing so much lately about everyone else and their love lives- I just wonder when mine will be kickin. Oh that's right i am married lol

New Holiday....

2008-03-13T15:41:00.000-07:00

National Men are Assholes Day LOL
Sorry guys but today you all SUCK COCK!! yours or whose ever i dont give a f
you just suck!
by the way J thanks for making me feel like shit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

batteries...

2008-03-01T13:23:00.000-08:00

Why are the batteries in my digital cam always dead when i need to snap a moment??? gggrr technology and my not paying attention

always a nice compliment,.....

2008-02-28T09:27:00.000-08:00

when someone tells that your feelings are "rediculous".
i know that i am notthe fancyest dress in the closet, but i do think that i am fairl normal and ahave a decent head on ym shoulders. So when a man tells me that my missing him, and wanting to see him , is rediculous, it kind of makes me wonder. Am i crazy or is he gay? We got into a huge fight and broke up bc i misunderstood some half-ass commnet he threw atme over im, as not being a joke! Well we al know, at least i thought we did, that certains things dont always comes across the way we intended when using any form of text.! So i am the reiduclous idiot that is wasting his time becuase i got upset andfound his comment, rather rude, mean to say the least. So I appologize and it becomes "rediculous banter". Ok So my feelings are rediculous and a bunch of banter. And now i feel like shit been crying all morning- but i guess he feels good and that's all that matters right? bc my feelings are nothing less than rediculous.
Thei have to ask, has the whole past yr + been rediculous? hhhmm, bring on the tears of embarassment,.

you

2008-02-26T09:13:00.000-08:00

I dont know anymore, what you think of me,
I dont know what i mean to you,
I just know that when i think of you
I just want to be with you.

tried of competeing for your attention, and tired or never being good enough :(

old friends, new again...

2008-02-18T14:14:00.001-08:00

Well, until recently i had no desire for anything my space. But then one day i got bored and thought ah what the hell. Then this weekend i got even more bored, yeah i need to get a life i know, and i decided to spend too much time decorating it. lol. It suddenly hit me that i was intereted in seeing who else had a my space. I found two people added one of them and even exchanged some fun emails. The third person i had found off of the list. I wasnt sure if it was her or not. However, what gave it away was the pic of her dog on the bed, the messy bed! lol She never made her bed!! And sure enough i have found my girl friend that i have been looking for for like 7 years!!!! And as i am totally exstatic (sp)to find her and have her receive me with as much enthusiasm, it feels bittersweet. I was looking through her myspace page. I was looking at all these pictured and nto one of them has me in it. I have missed so manythings in her life! Her graduating grad school, getting married, moving, etc.. I wanted to be there for all of those things and i wasnt. I missed itall!! All the things we talked about when we were younger. I just feel like the worst ever! I mean i know she missed shit in my life too, but nothing that great. I just hope that we can pick up sort of where we left off and go one to have so much fun together!! But this lingering feeling of having missed out on everything it is the worst!! And i cant go back now. So i guess it is jsut this, try really hard no matter what not to lose touch with people that you are close to in your life!! Even wehn they move and you move half a dozen times keep it going . It wil l hurt you later on when you look back and they are gone. The relationship is halted and you realize you dont know where it went.

And goes the winner............

2008-02-15T15:35:00.000-08:00

I would liek to thank my family, my friends and all those who have been there for me, backing me all the way!!!!!!!!!!! LOL
I have conquered the Ebay auction!! Red Jawbone is mine !!!!!!!!!!!! Oh that was way too much glaoting over some little head set. But it was all the thrill i have had for the week.
Yeah not much of a life i live - but not everyone has the luck lol

EBAY....

2008-02-15T13:05:00.000-08:00

I WILL NOT BE OUT-BID AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LOL

when you really know someone.....

2008-02-14T17:56:00.000-08:00

You dont. And you never will. And that's not necessarily a bad thing. It just is what is....

what do i mean to you?

2008-02-09T09:52:00.000-08:00

maybe i dont want to know.

the results of random boredom......

2008-01-16T06:35:00.000-08:00

.... interesting. I dont think i have ever been this bored. Or this creative lol.

you can look at the menu, but you cant order....

2008-01-05T19:14:00.000-08:00

I want something that i cannot have. Why? I know it is a waste of my time. I know it is againt any better judgement i might have. And i know it is totally wrong. So why do i want what i cant have??? And why no matter how hard i try to put it out of mind, to rationalize the realities of my insanity, why then does it still linger on in my mind? Maybe because i am so attracted to "it". Maybe becuase i have a profound curiosity that is slowly eating away at me lol. Either way i hate it . I absolutely hate the fact that i feel this way and just cant seem to let it go. Actually, i t hink it is like an addiction maybe. Very hard to kick a bad habbit. SO perhaps, this internal desire that i have to get my hands on something that really i have n o right too, have become a bad habit in my mind.

hoping for a change...

2008-01-02T19:38:00.001-08:00

Since it is the change of years, you know from 2007 to 2008, i am hoping for a change in me as well. No i did not make any new years resolutions. If i thought i could keep them i would lol. It is just so disappointing when you set goals for yourself, to improve yourself, only to end up being totally defeated by yourself. Too funny and way too frustrating. I would, however, still like to see a change this year. Maybe just some additional happyness. Internal peace would surely be a much needed change. And the typical hoping for a physiacal change miracle lol. Most important to me is being able to aquire some form of internal peace. And how would i go about doing that? I hope i can figure it out.

Who Are You?

2007-12-27T20:01:00.000-08:00

Do you ever wonder how well you really know someone? Family, friends. co-workers, we asscoiate with so many individuals throught our lives. Some are with us for as long as we can remember, and others we may only know briefly. But no matter how long or short of time we spend with someone, how do we know who they really are? Or that the relationship we have developed with this person over time, is really what we think it is ? Our perception of each other is based only on the experiences that we have with them. The time and the conversations we put inth the relationship making it what it is or isnt. It is also based on the information that we openly communicate to those we think we know and wnat to be close with. And in return we assume the same. But we all have secrets. We all have as they say skeletons hiding in our closets. Some us feel so comfortable with another, whether it be a friend, sibling, co-worker what have you, that we end up divulging this information thinking that it is going to a safe place. Confiding in the one person we "think" we know. We fall prey to what we belive to be honesty and trust within the boundries of that friendship. And in return we too fail, at times, to present what should be totally honest and truth in regards to who we really are. Whether it be to insecurties based on age or past reactions. Fearing the reprocussions of something in our past that wasnt so good who knows. But when someone has lead you to "think" that you know who they are only to be stunned to find out you realy dont know them at all. At least not like you think you did. The revelation of truth is something of a slap in the face that stings for some time to come. But when it is ourselves that know we are misrepresenting who we are and what we are doing in life, this stings too. It hurts to not be heard. It hurts to know that you cannot be open about who you are, or how you feel . Whether it is being gay, addicted to a drug or alcohol, it can be a very lonely place. However, it is still a form of dishonesty and false perception that we have presented to those in our lives. Hoping they wil fal for it and believe us to be something we are not. I believe that most people are open and honest about who they are. For the selective few that are not shame on you and you deserve that lonely feeling that you face everyday. It will never equal to that of the pain that someone feels when they find out who you really are .

one down.....

2007-12-25T17:32:00.000-08:00

Officially Christmas is here and almost gone!! YAY!!!!!!!!=) That's one, horrible, never wish to repeat bad holiday experience down and hopefully none to come!
The best gift i received is knowing it is nearing it's end and I didnt hurt anyone lol

too sexy.....

2007-12-19T12:23:00.000-08:00

I am borrowing this from the midnightoke. I loved your pic sooo much!

I hoep you dont mind. It makes me laugh when i see it lol

And again, no disrespect to them or any athletes. Just a bit of humor is all.

elfin

2007-12-14T07:47:00.000-08:00

This holiday hasnt exactly been the most enjoyable for me. Thankgod i have some cool people in my life that are caring enough to force the cheer on me lol. This was one perfect example!!

Mich Cpl (12/13/2007 8:32:16 AM): http://www.elfyourself.com/?id=1354420448
Me and my girls gettin' our groove on-
Thanks J!! You are the best!
Much Love to you always!!!!!!!!!!

a history of anger....

2007-12-04T17:22:00.000-08:00

So the burning question on my mind today is are we entitled or required to carry on the anger,pain, or hurt done to our parents many years ago?
Let me explain a little . See way back when i was little, shortly after my father was killed, my aunt and uncle decided to do something really stupid and mean to my mother. Well, she was able to prevent them from furthering there desires of destruction, which truth be told they wouldnt have gotten away wtih anyhow. So my brother and i were not allowed to associate with that side of the family for basically our entire childhood on into adulthood. In the past few yrs i have reassociated with them and developed some good relationships with my cousins. up until recentlythis was mildly tolerated by my mother.
However, I am now told that I have made my choice. Because I refuse to remain angry and support my mothers grudge against them. Granted what they tried to do was wrong and i ahve told them i felt that way. My cousins have nothing to do tiwth this battle. They were too young. Even still my mother refuses to have any assocaition even with them. And she is angry and hurtthat I would. So i ask is this right? Should I carry on the pain and hurt that she feels towards them or is it ok for me to make my amends and create new paths?

too late..

2007-11-27T12:37:00.000-08:00

I wanted to call you so badly!! I kept thinking in my head 'oh i have got to call her". Then i decided i just wanted to come see you. So i had plans with your little princess to see you saturaday Well she changed her mind and decided we shouldnt go. She even suggested i wait. Well, now it is too late. I was so stupid too wait. I can no longer call you, no longer hang out with you, and i will never have the answers i am looking for. Most importantly, i will never be able to know you like i wanted to. And for that i am so sorry!! I wish i could tell oyu that. I hope you know that i loved you even if i rarely said it.

advice...

2007-11-19T20:22:00.000-08:00

Never Make Someone a Priority
When You are Only an Option

canned or frozen???

2007-11-13T16:10:00.000-08:00

Yup that is the big question of the day lol. What is better canned or frozen?? I actually received criticism for using more canned goods, veggies, than frozen ones. Well, as i know that frozen is probably better for us all, it is often not in my budget to splurge on such holy goodness. And honestly some it tastes better some of it does not. But now really is that BIG of a FRICKIN deal?? NOOO hey at least i am getting some veggies in the this um. all american diet I live on lol
So, I didnt appreciate the remark passed on to me regarding my food choices but then again i cant win them alll can i?

Hmm, wii or pS2?

2007-11-11T17:05:00.000-08:00

Ok so, here i am trying to put together some kind of xmas list, when i decide to get a family gift. I have never done a family gift for xmas before so i thgouht this year it might be kind of fun. I couldnt really think of too many things that we all would enjoy except video games. I can find ames for my 5 yr old, 9 yr old and myself too play together. But now i have to figure out which one would be better? So i ask anyone who may happen to read this which is probably not going too happen but just in case, which gaming system is the better family choice? Wii or Ps2?? Now i have done some research, not much lol And it seems like ps2 would ahve more too offer for thel ittle one as far as disney or kid type games, and football for any boys that stop by lol. But the wii would be soo cool to get up and get moving with. I want to try the tennis game sooo badly!! Ahhh i am soo confused! I am really leaning towards the ps2 simply due to the price and the game choices. Either way i think it might be fun =) I hope. Bc i could really use some fun lol

been a while

2007-11-10T12:46:00.000-08:00

It has been a while since i have blogged. I have been here so many times but every time i cant find a darn thing to write about. I have been fighting the blues for weeks now! It totally sucks! I know a lot of it has to do with not hearing from those that i adore. But people get busy and have better or more superiorr things to do. I did finally hear from my dear sister in Norway. She snet me pics of her flat. Her and her hubby just sold it. They are happy. I couldnt believe how big it ws but the bedrooms were very snug. The view however, was amazing!!! So now today, I have been sitting inside all day. the sun is out but i have no desire to meet the great outdoors. I am tired and not inthe mood for much. I know i need to get over this like yesterday! this totally sucks! I was suppose to meet someone in Birghton tuesday. But i left an offline canceling that. he ekpt saying stupid things and talking all shelfish! It was beggining to get on my nerves! Well, what isnt these days lol

feeling lost

2007-10-21T16:37:00.000-07:00

It is the end of the weekend. Beenbusy. I find myself feeling really lost. I hate it. I feel like if i had more answers it would help some. But maybe it would hurt more than it would help.

Where Are You?

2007-10-18T18:03:00.000-07:00

I know i have no patience. I am sorry that i am like that. But how long does one have to wait to get a respond when tyhey send you an email? Considering the circumstances of our relationship i think that a week is kind of rediculous. But then again. i am impatient. So i suck in that dept. I suck in not being able to know how you are, if you are thinking of me, or even wondering at all how my am. And I suck at being a more confident woman. Awoman who shouldnt give such a crap about what anyone, thinks or does not think of her. Especially you. You dont deserve me. Youhave no repsect for me and who i am. Suggesting that i might be slightly obsessive bc i wait four days to hear from you, and then feel the need to write you again. Or at least ask you if you are ok. And i guess that's bad. So i suck at all of this. And i hate that i do. Thanks for making me feel like shit- Now it has been a week, you are supposedly back home. You have not even bothered to calle me, text me. or even emial me back. So i guess now i sick at not accepting the truth about how you really feel about me. Yeah this whole realtionship, week, month , yr , sucks.

hhhmmmm......

2007-10-16T18:50:00.000-07:00

Finally my business has hit an upside. A small one but still good none the less.
As excited as i was/am about that, i wonder why i still feel this bit of unhappyness
inside. Hhhmmm I really wonder. Why?????

let the truth come forth....

2007-10-08T07:34:00.000-07:00

Why is it so hard for some to tell the truth? Do they think they are going to hurt someone's feelings, avoid getting into huge trouble, which i would expect from my 8 yr old, or even better Do they THINK they imopress another with their grosely hugely exagerated untruths??? Ok major run-on i know. But i am less than happy this moment. I just cant figure out why anyone unless they are avoiding a death sentence, would bother wasting their fucking breath lying to anyone. And usually about the stupidist, most rediculous things too. You lied about WHAT?? And WHY? Men say things bc they THINK that is what woman want to hear??? Oh yes we love itwhen men lie to us we LIVE for it. Who came up with that?? I would much rather have an honest, decent guy than one who lies and says what HE THINKS i want to hear! Fucking Marion Jones has to LIE about using Steriods??? If she would have just admitted the first time around things would be a whole lot different for her. Now she has totally ruined her reputation. ruined any future athletes innocence when they really are telling the truth. And lets not forget ALL the MILLIONS of people she played for fucking fools!!!! And the worst part is i hold anyone who lies to me even about the smallest stupidist shit thing. at the same standards as i now do MJ. Bc to me it is all the same. Crazy i know but it is . A lie is a lie. It doesnt matter.It all comes from the same selfish, dishonerable, morally corrupt place of thinking. And for you- to lie about the way you feel about me/us, time and time again EVEN AFTER I clearly questioned your behavior, your change in attitude etc you STILL FUCKING LIED TO ME!!!!!!!!!!! And why? I have no clue. Really, i dont care too. Bc whatever your reason for misleading me, it was selfish and I want nothing to do with it. It says a HELL of a lot more about a person if they stop themselves, admitted ?"yeah i could lie to you right now but you know what, i am not going too, it is not who i want to be or who i want you to think i am ". Way more honorable than anything else that actually did come out of that shit hole mouth of yours. But hey, my bad for thinking you could be anything but..........
Which leads me to my NEXT piss for t he day.. WHY do fall for this shit everytime?? And no I am NOT talking about just men here. We all lie. And personally this recent episode was fueled by no less than that of a WOMAN. Well if you could call her that! Had me fucking fooled for over a yr. Well i guess she is good at one thing- pathologically lying without excessive effort on her part. lol. be proud of that will you, bc you have nothing else going for you . NOTHING . Oh except that you have got to be the most DISGUSTING PIECE OF WHITE TRASH ON THE FUCKING PLANET!!! And that trailer park you live in- HA! It suits you right down to the seam that runs through the middle your living room...

OhMaxineURmyHero

2007-09-24T08:38:00.000-07:00

Wipe your mouth,
you've got some bullshit on your lips
Or better yet,
Well, are'nt you just the most adorable black hole of need !
God i love those !!!!

thequietstorm

2007-09-19T07:08:00.000-07:00

I have been trying so hard not to think about you anymore. But since this last burst of mental torture, that being you creeping into my thoughts, it has been way harder not too. So i kept my email response to you short for that reason. I have so much i want to tell you. But it never seems like my life, my things are as important to you as yours are to me. Maybe i am just reaading too much into it all. Maybe i am looking for something with you that doesnt exist. I dont know. I only wish i could just get over you an move on . It is really hard for me to let go when i feel a connection or a fit. Not very often you get this with anything,. especially people that you associate with. So i fight. I fight to keep it, i fight to never have to let it go. But now i feel totally beyond f rustrated. I just dont know what to do. or what to think about it all. I find myself stuck in the past . Constantly thinking about how much well we got along, how we just seem to know each other. I guess it is bc those times with you felt so amazing, comfortable, that it is hard for me to move on. Usually you replace old rusty with new and shiny. In reltaionships some people do that, i dont. So i have no replacement for us. And i think that is what makes it so difficult at times. I guess i just need to grow up. Finally lol. But too be honest i gues maybe i dnt want to. When i think about times together with you., i so love the way i felt and how we were that, a part of me doesnt want to forget. Depsite all this frustration and agony. Ugh. Why is it like this????

C'mon be honest....

2007-09-12T14:18:00.001-07:00

Do these pants make my butt look big??????

BAM!

2007-09-11T12:41:00.000-07:00

So a little time has healed me some. As they say it does lol. And i am thinking i am doing so much better feeling bettter getting along fine in my life. Then BAM. On comes the flood of feelings, feelings i thought i was past. And i hate it. This sucks feeling this way. I really wish these thoughts would have never crept back into my mind .........Mostly, it sucks that this other person probably NEVER has this happen to them! I doubt they ever think of me. Never curious how i am . or what i am up to in my life. No. But i do . WHy? That is what i always ask myself. Why do i always have to be t he one to miss the other person? To care so much? I know it osunds really bad but sometimes i just wish i could be more of a bitch than i am lol.

procrastination

2007-09-04T16:55:00.000-07:00

Yeah thats me. A procrastinator, er, eh you get it. I have looked at my blog everyday for the last week. I have not felt like writing a word except to do it later. I guess this is later lol. I dont know why i do it. It totally frustrates me . I mean what i could get done in a day i put off for another. Why? I always ask my self that. Have no clue. Except laziness. Pure laziness. Perhaps. But i guess if thats the worst thing i do then so be it. Well, today was a busy day. I gots lots done lol. But the best part of this day is that iget the bed to myself tonight hehehe. I am so mean. I like my space. I cant help it. I am sure i am not the only one either. Well, on to another sub. Business sucks. I have now been open for six weeks. Not one client. I dont know. I am so frustrated. I have my ads going, my mouth spreading the word. I dont know what else t o do . Money is running out. They say 90% of businesses fail within the first yr. I refuse t o be included in that category. I hope to figure something out soon. This looming feeling of failure is not fun.

damn this weather...

2007-08-22T13:17:00.000-07:00

The other day it was cold out. Today it is smoldering . The humidity is intense and with the sun,ugh it is just nearly unbearable. I guess i need to get a life and get past the weather. So here we go. I am officialy open for business. Opened about three weeks ago. And so far, not one client=( Had a couple of calls. One potential client. Dont want to count that one yet until i hear more. So anyways. Kind of frustrating but i know that is how it goes. Hopefully things will pick up here in a bit. Hi-ho Hi-ho it is off to my lasgana i go=)

ickysicky.....

2007-08-21T10:56:00.000-07:00

ok i have been sick for over a week now. It is really getting on my nerves....Who ever gets sick in the summer? Only myself bc i am that strange and unlucky lol. Of course this bizare weather cant hurt. Fifty degree??? huh??? It is nice to ahve a break from the smoldering heat but this is too much. Oh well. Live on we must.. sick or not... Heee heeee. So i saw Bourne Ultimatum the other week. I admit i have not seen the other two, i said i was strage, but i really liked it. And now i want to , i must see the others. it was a good movie. My next one is Super Bad!!! I want to see that super badly lol hee heeee.... It just looks so fun! And my girlfriend saw it and said it was good . But i still wont remember any of the lines lol. Nope not a one . I am just inept when it comes to that grt talent. lol. My little turtle needs his home cleaned off i go to do so......

memory........

2007-08-09T15:22:00.000-07:00

I wish i could i remember those stand-out infamous lines that everyone else does after they have seen a grt flick. I feel so left out of t he loop lol. LOSER ....... HEHEHEHEEEE.... In my entire movie viewing life i have only ever remembered one line from a movie.
The grt "Nobody puts Baby in the corner...." LOL That's it. The only line i have ever had stick in my itty bitty little brain. So not fair.......

stupid.....

2007-07-31T12:19:00.001-07:00

Does it hurt to be that stupid?
Bc it's really killing me to watch......

saying goodbye.....

2007-07-26T17:35:00.000-07:00

I thought i had experienced the most hurtful things in life until the dreadful goodbye. I knew somewhere in the back of my mind it would happen. Eventually it would come to this. Even though i knew it was going to happen it didnt make it any easier. To think that you will never speak to this person, never hear their voice, and never even pass them on the sidewalk ever again seems sureal. It 's like this huge empty hole somewhere inside of me that i cant seem to ignore. That no matter what i do i cant exscape that feeling. That feeling that this is all going to go away. i will wake up and it will all be a bad dream or something. The feeling that this person has goodbye and i may never hear from them again. How do you forget about someone? How do you just say " ok that's done, next...." and not ever think about them or the moments you spent together? I know someday in the near future it wont be so bad. I long for that moment when i can think of this person and not feel that empty space inside of me. But forget about that person? Never. Of all the people that have come and go in my life, i have always remembered them. At least one memory. So forget them no. To wonder if t hey are ok, how they are doing, what are t hey up to...etc.. I guess that's all i will ever have of them.......

'buck-up"??

2007-07-19T14:36:00.000-07:00

Ok I finally heard from "him" today. It has been over ten days. The last email was all about how he wasnt feeling well, his dr found skin cancer- which can be serious etc etc. SO when i didnt hear from him i thought something was wrong. Nope he went on vaca to Egypt. Had a blast. Told me he was reading up on my notes and that i sounded up and down. Told me to buck up everyhitns will be fine. BUCK-UP?????WTF???Who syas that to a woman? And who is smoking the bad crack here? I couldnt believe it. I responded to him with this" You are such a man". That was it. Nothing more. Never emialed him like that . And have never been at a loss for wordsa with him either. I always loved emailing hime and telling him about stuff. But after that i was completely speechless. And what makes it worse he never even said anything about my birhtday!! Nothing. Is this typical guy or what? Ass maybe??? I get what i deserve. Ok so after i calmed down i did email him more. Just told him i missed him and that i was disappointed about not hearing from him on bday. Hey that is what woman love. Childish, immature i dont care. I love to hear little wishes notes on my bday. I also told him that he could be a little more understanding that i am starting a business. got two kids., work part-time just moved into this hous etc. and he is far away havent seen him since march=( Could he maybe be a little more understanding. I dont know i think that i am totally stuck inthe past. It is never going to be like it was. My feelings for him are not the same as what he feels for me. I hate this. I like it the way it was. Oh well. Chocolate cake awaits me.

foo-barrd?

2007-07-13T14:39:00.000-07:00

Yes that is the word that a friend of mine taught me. Foo-barrd. To get drunk. lol. Once again getting drunk gets another nickname. It is cute i suppose. Not really much into getting drunk, wasted, trashed, or foo-barrd. But this week just seems to be so frustrating, that drinking with friends is deisred. Just want to have fun and not have to think about anything that happened in that last four days. I know there are better ways to cope with ones inadequacies. Every once in a while it is fun. Mind you i never actually get completely drunk. The idea of being t otally unable to conrol myself scares me. WHo knows what i could do. It is more fun to see my friends do those silly crazy things lol. Anyways, i have not heard from "him" since sunday. So i emiled him. And in that i asked him if he really wanted me to contiue to do so. Feel like i email him two three times a week and only hear from him once if i am lucky. It just feels like i am talking to cyber space. I feel bad. I miss him and I wish things could be like they were. I never understood how these t hings between people happen. You meet someone. Both agree after so many weeks, what have you, that you are taken with each other, cant believe how much you have in common with each other. And you can talk for hours with them and still have more to say the next day. Then poof. It changes. Not sure how or exactly when but it did. Niether says they want it ot end so they keep talking staying together and yet it still seems just not right. I feel like a crazy woman. Like all the feelings he said he had for me and i felt for him were just an illusion. Some fooliah dreaming on my part. But it seemed so real. I know i am a fool. I get that. Just wish sometimes that i never would have met him. So there, That is one reason to get foo-barrd.

just another day............

2007-07-12T16:23:00.000-07:00

As mothers i feel like we do so much for our families. I am constantly taking the kids here, getting them this or that. Picking up after them., feeding them lol. Which requires at least one trip to the store a week. Then there is the house, the dog, and most importantly the spouse. The king of the mantion. Right. So as long as everyone is happy and taken care of all should be well. Except i get tired. I get lost in the shuffle. So when my birthday arrive yeah i admit i get a little childish. I like all the hoopla and the attention. So one day a year i act like a child or at least want to try lol. Not this yr. Nope yesterday came anf went. Nothing. Just another day. Doing the same t hings I do any other day. My h didnt do anything my kids didnt do anything, they didnt even say anything!! My mom, nothing. Friends, welll one called and tried to sing to me lol. Now taht was funny and made me laugh. But other than that it was just another day in my life. I guess i am kind of bummed. I know when it comes to their bdays i will make sure t hings are done right, and special. But that is what me moms are suppose t o do right? So what if we get left out once in a while or most of the time lol. But what can i do? Just laugh and move on. Perhaps i will find something neat to buy myself. Oh i did take the girls to the fair. That was neat. I like to see them laughing and having so much fun!! They loved it and want to go back. I got bored. And spent way too much money! I cant believe how much a fair costs!! But hey it was all for the kids =)

courtesy......

2007-07-06T16:50:00.000-07:00

Have you ever thought about how being courteous to one person could affect others? I dont think that most people do. For instance, my mother. The one and only miss curteous. Instead of showing up like she is suppose to, so i can go to my app. she didnt. Says " just tell them you will be there when you get there" . hmm. Reallly? How does that work? If we all just showed up to the dr. or a meeting whenever we felt like it, how would that affect others? Personally i was quite irritated by this idea. I was late which made the people after me have to wait taht much longer, and the next apt i had after that ended up running behind. It became a day of being laten, the entire day. All bc one person did not feel like being curteous, respectful of the rest of us. Interesting. And this is who i came from lol. Scary maybe except that i knowwhat she is really like and dont want to be that way. At least when it comes to this. But i lived thru it right? And thank god it's Friday lol. hopefully the rest of my weekend is not like today.

and then..

2007-07-05T13:17:00.000-07:00

I read somewhere, that we often find ourselves chasing after that which we cannot have. I am the worst at this. I find myself obsessing over whatver it is and wondering how i could have gone about it differently. Why didnt i get it wahtever it was? So many times i have been told to give it up. That once was will never be again. But I never get the message soon enough. I resist the clues. Act like i cant see/or hear them. Maybe bd i dont want to. I think that many of us are like this. We think we need /want something so badly. Maybe it wil improve our lives in some way. We keep chasing after whatever it is until we run out of steam. Become totally consumed by exaustion and frustraion wondering why we havent conquered it yet. Well, somany of us are too thick headed to see the truth for what it is. Thingds change. We change. And often what we want isnt right for us. Despite how many times we mull it over and think it is so grt. This is life. And often it gets us down. We sort of have to start over. Look for something new to go after. And ocne again the cycle continues lol. For many us we just dont learn. But the rest of you that do you should consider yourself lucky. Lucky that you dont wast your time on foolish things you will never get/have. Bc you know unlike the rest of us, that you are better off using your time more wisely.
If you havent already heard it, listen to this song. It is slow kind of deep but it hits the point.
India Arie- Ready For Love Acoustic Soul